Office of Federal Visual Standards
Washington, D.C.
The Administration announced a strategic update to federal typography guidelines, reaffirming its commitment to strength, tradition, and visual seriousness, favoring typefaces that hold up when spray-painted gold.
As part of this update, Calibri (55) has concluded her tenure in public service. For years, she performed reliably across agencies, departments, and forms, providing clarity, accessibility, and legibility to millions of Americans.
Calibri was observed departing the Capitol with a box of personal effects, including internal drafts, a half-dead succulent, and several unread style guides. She declined to comment beyond noting that she believed she had met all performance expectations. “I thought I was doing a good job,” Calibri muttered, blinking in the winter light. “I was readable. I stayed out of the way. I thought that was the point.”
Times New Roman (62) stood nearby, looking like someone who’d been called back from retirement and immediately regretted it. Pressed into service by Marco Rubio, he repeatedly attempted to clarify that he did not endorse the policies he was representing. “I was assigned,” he said, tugging at his ascenders. “I’ve represented a lot of bad ideas over the years. This is not new. I would like the record to reflect my discomfort.”
Comic Sans (47?), a civilian contractor based in Ohio, remains unaffiliated with federal service. “Happens every time,” he said, hollering over the noise of several large dogs. “They blame you for everything,” he added. “Then suddenly they want you back for a flyer or a youth group sign. I mind my business.”
Papyrus (53) continues her private sector relationship with filmmaker James Cameron. Once angular and distinctive, Papyrus now speaks exclusively in whispers about “the organic feel of the ancient future” and insists she’s happy, very happy, actually. Sources close to the font say the plastic surgery has made it difficult for her to emote. She declined to comment on the administration’s personnel changes.
Helvetica was consulted at his private Swiss compound and declined comment. Arial, spied creeping outside of Helvetica’s gate, was avoided.
The Administration emphasized that this typographic shift reflects broader values. “Government should look official,” said a senior spokesperson. “Not helpful.”
Further updates will be issued as additional fonts are reviewed for tone, weight, alignment, and posture.